Things You Say That Make It Harder To Heal
You all know I’m really big on language. I’ve noticed so many platitudes floating around the internet since I created my Instagram account in 2017.
I noticed that every time I saw one of these statements or phrases, it really made me feel like shit. I wasn’t inspired and I certainly wasn’t feeling better.
Yet, I kept saying these things to other people. It was just ingrained in my language.
If you’ve said any of the things I’m about to list here, it’s all good. I’ve said them too; more time than I would like to admit. Sometimes they still slip out. I am really guilty of saying these things to myself.
It’s not about punishing yourself for possibly being dismissive. Instead, I want you to focus on creating awareness around some of these statements. Ask yourself,
Why might this be dismissive?
What am I hoping to achieve by saying this?
Why do I say this to myself or others?
Did someone say this to me often as a child or an adult?
How does this statement make me feel when I say it to others? How does it make me feel when I say it to myself?
We all create different meaning with the language that we use.
For survivors of trauma, abuse, or any distressing events, these statements can be really dismissive.
It wasn’t that bad.
Other people have it worse
I should be over it by now.
Well at least X didn’t happen.
Wasn’t that a long time ago?
It wasn’t like a real trauma though?
It’s not like you almost died.
I’m over it.
Let’s just move on.
That’s life.
You have so much to be grateful for though.
Just be happy for all that it taught you.
Like most dismissive statements, they don’t leave a lot of room for growth or understanding. They shut down the conversation completely.
Ok, so if I can’t say these things...what do I say instead?
It’s not that we can’t say these things. But, I do want to get into the reasons why these statements might make you or others feel pretty awful and how we can translate them.
It wasn’t that bad.
Ok, this is an opinion. It’s subjective. Something can feel really bad to one person, and normal to the next. Right now it does feel bad and that’s what matters. Allow yourself to experience the fact that you’re having a reaction to something. Maybe you’ll get some perspective later, or maybe it really does feel that bad.
Other people have it worse.
Sure, some probably do. And I bet some others have it better. Someone else’s suffering being worse doesn’t negate yours.
I should be over it by now.
Time doesn’t heal all wounds and there is no timeline for your healing. You are allowed to take as much time as you need to move forward from something and healing isn’t always linear.
Well at least X didn’t happen.
Yes, thank goodness that didn't happen. But, Y did happen and it sucks.
Wasn’t that a long time ago?
Again, there is no timeline on your healing. There will be ups and downs. You may also be triggered by something ten years down the line and think, “wow I didn’t know I would still feel this way.”
It wasn’t like a real trauma though.
We know now that trauma is about how you respond to the event, not just about the type of event. A wide variety of things can be traumatic - not just escaping death, an attack, or going to war.
It’s not like you almost died.
Same thing I mentioned in the previous line. There are many reasons why someone may be impacted by something, almost dying isn’t the only qualifying criteria.
I’m over it.
If you’re actually over it, cool. But if you’re just saying this so that you can seem over it...it’s not gonna make you over it.
Let’s just move on.
I get why people want to move on. Dealing with your own distress or someone else’s can be exhausting. But, really think about what moving on looks like. Is it time to move on? Is that where you’re at in the process?
That’s life.
Life is challenging, but it’s also beautiful, fun and enjoyable. Whatever happened isn’t just life. It can be part of it.
You have so much to be grateful for though.
I’m sure you do. Gratitude can be helpful in moments like this, but it doesn’t negate what you’re going through.
Just be happy for all that it taught you.
Maybe you will learn a lesson in all of this. But I have to believe that you could have learned this lesson another way and it doesn’t always make going through this “worth it.” It’s ok if you don’t see the lesson in all of this yet or ever.
If you don’t say these things to other people, I’m willing to bet you say them to yourself in the moments where you really need to be your own cheerleader. (If you really need a cheerleader and are too tired today, this guy is my favorite).
Think about how you speak to yourself in moments when you really need support.
Do you allow yourself to feel the emotion or are you trying to move on as quickly as possible?
Do you validate that things are hard or are you reaching for gratitude immediately?
Are you comparing yourself to others as a way to invalidate your own experience?
If you want to do some more work on how you talk to yourself, I’ve linked a few other resources here.