Are You Asking People This Overwhelming Question? “What’s Wrong?”: What To Say (And What Not To Say) When Someone Is Overwhelmed
If you’re reading this, you’re probably a really helpful person. You want to know how to help someone when they’re overwhelmed or dysregulated. You also probably ask this question all the time: “what’s wrong?”
When you’re sitting with someone who is distressed or having trouble managing their emotions, it’s easy to get pulled into figuring out what’s wrong and trying to fix it. We usually attempt to accomplish the first step by asking a lot of questions. I don’t know about you, but when I’m really overwhelmed answering questions is so hard for me. Especially the dreaded question…”what’s wrong?”
Why You Should Avoid Asking “What’s Wrong?”
Asking someone “what’s wrong?” can be even more overwhelming in the moment because, honestly, they probably have no idea. And when you start to push for a clear answer, it pushes them to search even further - hyping up the anxiety even more. There’s nothing worse than feeling like something is very wrong and not knowing what that thing is.
Here’s the thing...when you’re dysregulated, everything is out of whack. Chances are, your heart is beating faster than normal, your thoughts are racing, and you're just trying to get through the moment.
The great thing is, you don’t actually have to know what’s wrong in order to help.
How To Help When You Don’t Know What’s Wrong
There are a few phrases and questions to avoid when you’re helping someone. I generally like to avoid commands or questions when someone is really overwhelmed because I find they’re difficult to follow or answer. Instead, I focus on how I can embody calm myself, sit with the person, and ride through the wave of emotion with them. You want to focus on co-regulation.
Adults are expected to regulate themselves. We grow up and suddenly are responsible for our thoughts, feelings, and actions. This is the expectation even if we didn’t have parents or caregivers that taught us how to regulate our own emotions. (Reminder - you aren’t born knowing how to self-regulate or manage your emotions).
Self regulation is essential to living a full, balanced life. But, it’s not the only way we regulate our physical and emotional reactions to things. Our ability to self regulate or manage our own emotions really depends on how our parents co-regulated with us as children and how safe we feel in our relationships as adults.
Co-regulation is how we help each other manage distress. When we ask the question, “what’s wrong?” We’re ultimately trying to get information so we can fix it. This isn’t a bad thing! Unfortunately, when someone is really overwhelmed, it might be very hard to answer that.
A nervous system that is consistently co-regulated will eventually learn to regulate itself. Co-regulation helps manage distress and allows connection, safety, and improved self regulation skills to be developed. Next time you are with someone who is distressed, think about how you can make this a safer space for both of you. The goal is to create a space where they can share their experience without you having to force it out.
If Asking What’s Wrong Isn’t Working, Try This Instead:
This is extremely personal and will vary person to person. As always, do what is right for you and them.
**ask for consent before touching anyone and do not use touch if you’re not certain it’s appropriate, allowed, or helpful for this person and this relationship**
Light touch (arm around them, hand on back, etc). Always ask permission before touching and make sure that this is a relationship where touch is appropriate.
Eye contact or sitting sie by side with no eye contact. (again, this one is about personal preference. I personally opt for no eye contact when I’m overwhelmed).
Using a calm voice.
Audibly sighing.
Breathe in and out slowly next to them
Become aware of and manage your own distress
Take a time out and alternate between closeness and distance. This will look different for everyone.
Say something like “I'm here. You don’t need to explain anything to me until (if/when) you’re ready.”
Avoid giving commands, advice, or asking a lot of questions.
Listen and use body language to show that you’re present.
Get Comfortable With Not Knowing What’s Wrong
Once you accept that you don’t have to know the exact details of the pain in order to help, things get easier. We’re often so fixated on getting all the details so that we can make the right helping decision, but being there and present is often all you need to start.
Once regulation begins and the person feels more secure/calm, then you can start asking open-ended questions and helping them discuss the issue. This is also when you can demonstrate empathy and show support.
If you’re someone that struggles with identifying what’s wrong, try:
Working with a therapist to understand your emotions
Practicing labeling your emotions - this feelings wheel helps.
Try keeping a journal and document any feelings or realizations you have in the moment or after the fact.
Process your emotions about certain events with someone you trust.
Practice describing what happened and recognizing the sensations coming up in your body.
If you’re a helper that struggles with helping when you don’t know what’s wrong, try:
Practicing sitting with people without acting
Waiting for someone to ask for help before you offer it
Keeping your helping boundaries firm and strong
Looking for more stuff like this?
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As always, thank you so much for reading. I am so grateful for each and every one of you! See you here next week.
PS. If there’s something you’d like me to write about, send me an email. I’d love to hear from you.
Whit