Signs You're Intellectualizing Instead of Feeling Your Feelings

Do you tend to intellectualize everything?

This is one of my most used emotional suppression techniques, coping skills, and avoidance strategies. I also notice a lot of my clients falling into this pattern and honestly...it works sometimes, but it (more often than not) leaves us feeling emotionally disconnected and prevents legit emotional processing.

So, do you tend to intellectualize your emotions?
Answer these questions to find out.

  • When something or someone hurts you, do you try to learn everything you can about it? Maybe you read books, follow professionals on Instagram, and try to understand all the details?

  • When you're talking about something upsetting, is it easy for you to just list off and describe what is happening intellectually? (This is also a common symptom for trauma survivors).

  • Do you struggle with talking about emotions but excel at problem solving and talking about the intricate details?

If you answered yes to those questions, you may be prone to intellectualization.

intellectualization isn't always a bad thing.

Intellectualization is a defense mechanism and not all defense mechanisms are bad all the time! Sometimes we need them to help us get through something really hard. Defense mechanisms can become problematic when we use them too often and in the wrong situations.

Intellectualization may help you solve problems and understand the situation. But, it gets dangerous when we are constantly using it to avoid feeling. intellectualization can make it seem are though we are dealing with the reality of a situation, but really you're just distancing yourself from your feelings.

Here's an example. Anna comes to therapy every week to talk about her relationship with her mother. When Anna was young, her mother would yell and throw things. She was completely unreliable and would often disappear for days at a time. Any child would have struggled with what was happening in Anna's home.

I prompt Anna to begin talking about her childhood. She shares the details with me in a matter of fact way. There's not much emotion when she's sharing and she's able to rattle off facts. Some people may even be convinced that Anna isn't upset about what her mother did and that she's actually fine. But, I know that no child would actually be "fine" with what she endured and there's a reason she keeps coming back to therapy.

Anna has read a lot of books about childhood trauma and seems to have a deep understanding of why her mother did what she did. She knows that her mom abused her because she was abused and I find her rationalizing much of her mother's behavior. When I ask her how something made her feel or what she's experiencing, she consistently shares research with me, talks about how hard it must be for her mother, or asks me to explain why someone might be struggling with this. She wants to understand but she doesn't want to feel.

Anna continues to try to understand what happened to her solely through education and understanding, rather than through her emotions. Until she admits and allows her self to feel the pain she experienced as a child, it will be very difficult for her to heal from this.

If you intellectualize often, here’s what can you do about it

If you want to start working on getting in touch with your emotions, here are some things you can do:

  • Try therapy - it's a great place to practice talking about and experiencing your emotions.

  • Focus on talking about the feeling (what does it feel like in your body, what would you call it, what is the intensity, etc.)

  • Try to talk about your emotions with others more.

  • When you notice yourself intellectualizing to avoid feelings, ask yourself: what am I trying to avoid here?

  • If using tools, reading, and learning is helpful for you, try to pay attention to what feelings are coming up while you do this.

  • Start learning to identify when intellectualizing is helpful and when it is just aiding your avoidance.

affirmations for big time intellectualizers

  • I am allowed to feel my feelings.

  • It's ok if I don't know everything about this.

  • I will figure this out.

  • I am allowed to have emotions.

  • I am human and humans have feelings, moods, and reactions.

what's new this month?

I am hosting a webinar about healing from dysfunctional family systems on Tue, October 26, 2021 12:00 PM – 1:00 PM EDT. It will be recorded for anyone who can't attend live. Grab a spot here.

Whitney Goodman